#Fatal

He wasn't even a proper boyfriend. I mean, I saw him fairly often, had sex with him, occasionally went to places with him -- but there was no real relationship, no depth to it, no thought in my mind that it could ever go anywhere. Which just makes what happened even stranger. Not that it matters now, of course. Nothing matters any more. But it intrigues me, going over it, how one step led to another, how improbable and -- well wrong, it all was. Is. And yet when I think about each decision point, each place where I could have changed the way things went -- changed them for the better, for the saner, for the healthier -- I cannot imagine myself, at that moment, making any other choice than the one that I did make. [Read More]

Estimated reading time: 19 minutes

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'You have enormous capacity for intensity, desire, extremity – but this is either deeply suppressed, or perhaps, you are simply unaware of it – it having never been awakened.' [Read More]

Estimated reading time: 27 minutes

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Opening my eyes from sleep the next morning, I am hazy from the intensity and disturbing perversity of the dreams I've been having, from nights of broken sleep — but most of all by the bizarreness of waking up to process a reality stranger than dreams. I have somehow accepted — in my head at least (physically, nothing at all has changed; I've met him twice, he's hardly touched me) — that I have given myself over to the perverse desires of a virtual stranger. That I am in some sense his. [Read More]

Estimated reading time: 43 minutes

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It is all so strange, and— yes— dreamlike, at the same as I know that, through this dream, I am sleepwalking, entirely of my own volition, into what any sane person would consider to be a nightmare. A living nightmare. [Read More]

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

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